


Jokes on Wade (Cause Spidey Likey)

by Mr_Arachnid



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Deadpool Thought Boxes, Eventual Smut, First Dates, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, M/M, My First Spideypool Fic, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:02:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24273997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Arachnid/pseuds/Mr_Arachnid
Summary: Deadpool suggests a friendly competition to decide the fate of someone he wants to 'unalive.'Spider-Man reluctantly agrees.Both of them should have known Wade was lying about something.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 23
Kudos: 424





	1. Shot in the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! So this is my first fanfic on here and I'm super excited to give back to the community which has been getting me through this quarantine without pulling my hair out. (Not like there's much to pull, I gave myself a haircut and whoo boy.) There will be a part 2, bee tee dubs, that will be smutty fun. But if that ain't your thang, feel free to stop at the end of this chapter. This one is mostly fluff with an attempt at humor. 
> 
> Please comment down below if you enjoyed!

Wade shot Spider-Man and won. But the jokes on Wade, because Spidey? He _liked_ it.

Well, he didn't like it at first, but he grew to like it.

This wasn’t the first time Wade had shot Peter Parker. But that had been a completely separate timeline!* But it was the first time he shot the guy point blank and he didn’t die. In fact, he rounded on Wade slapping him before dragging the merc's heart across the floor and somehow that all led back to Wade's super-secret penthouse and a steamy shower and... 

_*It’s true! See Spider-Man/Deadpool #4!_

[The author just wants to skip to the good bits without any buildup.]

{So do we, duh}

Ergh, fine. New York City, today. Or slightly in the past. Whatever:

Spider-Man had just tied up Kraven outside a museum where he had been trying to steal something for some reason (Spider-Man didn't bother to puzzle out the villain's plan) and had swung up to land on a rooftop which surprisingly held a small chicken coop and really nice vegetable garden. He blamed being over-the-top fascinated by the heirloom pumpkins for his Spidey sense not going off until he heard boots crunch a foot behind him.

Still coming down from the last fight, Spider-Man whipped around with his web-shooters poised ready for action. He did _not_ relax when he saw who it was.

“Oooh, are you going to restrain me? Not my kink, but I’ll try anything that rocks your boat, Spidey.” Deadpool held out his wrists in what Peter assumed was as much playing to his own joke as it was to show he came in peace.

“What do you want, ‘pool?” He relaxed his stance a smidge and wondered why his Spidey sense hadn’t gone off yet. Normally when Deadpool came crashing in on him, his sense wouldn’t stop tingling until the guy left. 

“Is that anyway to greet a--”

“We’re not friends.” Peter scoffed. They totally were friends. Had been friends for at least a year now. But this line of dialogue was something of a running joke between them.

“Oh we’re more than that, true. Like BFFs. Like the best thing since tortilla met up meat and cheese at that swingers convention. Like--”

Peter coughed interrupting him and turned around to make his exit.

“Wait! While I love watching you leave, I did come here for a reason.”

Under his mask, Peter blushed like the horrible virgin he was. He thought he would have gotten used to Deadpool’s flirtatious comments, but nooooo. Even though they were totally, five-hundred percent unwanted (mostly), he still felt a little giddy getting attention. Man, he really needed a girlfriend (or boyfriend). 

“So, what is it?”

“You know how really good at ‘unaliving’ people I am?”

God, yeah. That’s why he didn’t like the attention, Peter reminded himself. Deadpool was not only annoying, but he was a murderer. Or ex-murderer. And also insane, but Peter didn’t really hold that against him. He nodded his head.

“Okay. And I’ve been super-good at not killing anyone, right?”

“Where’s this going?”

Deadpool got quiet and kicked a pebble at his foot across the roof. If Peter didn’t know better, he’d say the man was acting bashful, but he had a feeling he knew where this was going.

“Can I--perhaps--just maybe, haveafreeunalivingpassjustthisonce, please?”

“Wade, no.”

“But they really, really deserve it and I’m not even getting paid this time!” Wade whined and threw back his head like a child having a tantrum.

“I don’t understand,” Peter sighed. “You’ve been doing so good. You’re, like, this close to being a hero. What gives?”

[He’s really worried about us.]

{We’re not worthy.}

“I--can’t really go into detail about that.” Deadpool looked off into the distance. 

Peter frowned noting the way Wade's shoulders had tensed up and sighed. If Deadpool was willing to shred his good guy streak, it must be pretty awful. But Peter couldn’t let the man throw everything they had worked for away without an explanation, or for any reason, really. Not when he cared so much--and stop. Stop that thought, bundle it up, and throw that baby out to sea. 

“Well, I’m not going to give you the pass if you don’t tell me what’s up. Actually, I’m not going to give you the pass at all.”

“Pleaaaseee? I’ll stop talking about your ass!”

Peter glared at the lie.

“For a day or two…” Wade amended.

“How about you tell me what’s going on?”

“That’s no fun,” Wade complained and then brightened in a page-turning mood swing. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s have a competition!”

“What.”

“Tsk-tsk. There should be a question mark at the end of that single-worded sentence.” Deadpool was suddenly much, much closer and leaning over Spider-Man. Peter wondered if hitting the side of his head would get his senses back online, because how in the hell had the man been able to get this close without him feeling _something_? “How about a friendly game? If you win, I promise to drop the whole thing and no unaliving anyone, no matter how much they deserve it. If I win--”

“If you win, you tell me what this is about and then we tackle the problem together.” Peter crossed his arms and refused to take a step backward from the man who smelled like tacos, gunpowder, and a heavy scent which made him a little dizzy in this close proximity. Peter liked to blame the lightheadedness on his recent fight with Kraven. 

(He’s lying to himself. That fight took less than ten minutes to wrap up.)

[Hey, parentheses! Who the heck are you?]

{That’s Peter Parker’s inner dialogue!}

[Who the fuck is Peter Parker?]

{...}

“Deal!” Wade exclaimed and suddenly took Peter's hand into a vigorous shake.

“Should I be worried you agreed to that so quickly?”

Suddenly Deadpool’s hands dropped his and tented together like a villain about to start a monologue. He tapped the tips of his fingers together. “I get to pick the game!” And before Peter could argue, Wade ran and jumped off the roof.

Peter cursed and followed, grabbing the man around the waist and slinging out a web before the both of them could hit the ground. 

“I’ll never get tired of being saved by Spider-Man!” Wade cried. 

Peter may or may not have “accidentally” ran Wade into a streetlamp after that. But he did follow Wade’s directions every time the man told him to turn, which is how he found himself outside an arcade. Within minutes tiny noses and dirty hands were pressed upon the windows getting a look at the two superheroes outside the doors. Several moms and dads also had their phones out, while ones with better parental senses were cutting the trip short and piling reluctant kids into cars.

“An arcade?” Peter scoffed. “You might as well just tell me what’s going on now.”

“You talk big game for a loser.” Deadpool wrapped an arm around Peter and turned him towards the neon sign hanging in the window. Peter deflated a little when he read the words: laser tag. 

“Just because you’re good with guns doesn’t mean you’ve got anything on my sens--H-hands!” Peter jumped nearly a foot when Wade goosed him. “Children are watching!” 

Suddenly, Deadpool’s mask was right next to his ear and he could feel Wade chuckle.

“Your senses seem to be on the fritz. Why is that, baby boy? Getting comfortable with ol’ Wade’s hands on you?”

“Ugh,” Peter untangled himself from Wade’s arms. “Okay, one, _again_ , there are children present. Try to act a little more PG.”

Deadpool held up his hands in surrender. “That’s not the rating of the story, but it can be for now.” 

“Two,” Peter continued ignoring him. “I am in no way comfortable with your hands anywhere near me.”

(Liar)

[Liar]

{Oo, oo. I know the next line! Pants on fire!}

Deadpool cocked his head. “The boxes are calling you a liar. And while that’s fun, I feel like maybe they’ve started talking to someone who isn’t there. I’m a little worried for them. Do you think they need therapy?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “You all need therapy.”

“True,” Deadpool agreed and then walked into the building without preamble. Peter muttered something decidedly not PG under his breath and followed. 

For the sake of the children, they decided to wait until little Davey’s birthday party had finished their rounds of tag before reserving the room to themselves. This meant that Peter could grab a bit of pizza and watch as Wade threatened to kill a Mad Max themed pinball machine.

“Mother--oof--oh yeah, kids, sorry. Trucker. This thing keeps swallowing my balls and not in a good way.”

Peter looked at the scoreboard on the machine and grinned around his pizza slice. A PBP ranked in the top three with a NJL** just underneath and WWW coming in fifth. Peter sat on top the adjacent machine and kicked Deadpool’s hand away from his gun when the merc’s fingers twitched. 

_**What's Ned's middle name? I have no idea, do you? Comment below!_

“No shooting the machines.”

“Yes, _mom_.” Wade sighed as his last ball got spit out by a well placed hole in Furiosa’s cartoon image and went straight into the gutter.

Wade loaded another quarter into the machine. “Stupid PBP,” he muttered and Peter smiled. “I bet it stands for Peanut Butter Prick.” 

Peter snorted. He wondered how pissed Wade would be if he knew that was his high score. Or would it just make Deadpool happy to touch a machine he touched? He’d probably say it was secondhand groping, or make a joke of them bent over the same surface. 

While the other man was distracted with the game, Peter let himself look and ponder. His eyes traced over Wade’s wide shoulders and down his back, just stopping short at the waistline. Ever since that time they had been accidentally webbed together and Peter had to spend a good hour plastered to that firm body, he had a hard time not letting his mind wonder what it would be like to willingly be under all that muscle. 

(Hard! *snickers*)

[Hey! That’s our line!]

Wade would never know this, mostly because Spider-Man would rather die than tell him, but his joke-flirting had been a sexual revelation to Peter. How did someone get to twenty and not know they liked men and women? Or was it just something about Deadpool? Those thoughts plagued him whenever the mercenary was around.

(And sometimes when he wasn’t. Like at night. In Peter’s bed. Or the shower.)

[Sweet baby jesus, I’m going to have a heart attack.]

{Is he talking about what I think he’s talking about?}

[Shh… let the man continue!]

Okay, yeah. So Peter might have a thing for Wade. Which he recognized as probably the worst possible bad decision he could consciously make, but hey, what was Peter Parker if not a bundle of bad decisions?

“Is there something on suit? Did I not get all the blood out again?”

Peter’s face flushed and he pulled down his mask to cover his lower face before Wade could register it. “No, uh, just wondering. You’re not going to accidentally shoot me with one of those when we’re playing, are you?” Peter looked at the weapons on Deadpool's hips nervously. Shit, wake up Peter! He was ninety-nine percent sure Wade flirted with everyone and most of it was just jokes. But hey, his cover was a good point. He didn’t want Wade to get riled up during the game and shoot him accidentally. The merc would probably never forgive himself. He was kind of a big puppy like that.

Deadpool’s eyes narrowed on him. Then he shrugged. “I’ll leave them with Steve at the front counter.”

“Thought his name was Bill?” Peter squinted towards the counter as they made their way over. “I don’t know if trusting a teenager with weapons is a great idea.”

As Wade began to lay his arsenal on the counter including a small bag which wiggled around and a rubber slingshot (Peter couldn’t decide which was more ridiculous), Peter decided this was a terrible idea and ended up webbing all of Wade’s stuff to the ceiling, just in case.

A very pretty and very bored looking woman came over and led them to a room lined with vests and guns. Peter immediately went over to one that he knew for certain worked better than most, while Deadpool deliberated and finally settled on the one right next to him. Inside his head, Peter did a little dance of victory. He knew that particular set didn’t shoot straight.

(Oh, no. Not a straight joke... My inner spidey senses are tingling.)

[Not the only thing that’s not shooting straight.]

{Want to shoot a load off in--}

“You guys knock it off. I gotta win this thing!” Deadpool snapped. “ _Who_ are you talking to anyway? What’s not straight?”

Peter flailed a little bit making Deadpool look around for danger that didn't exist outside his head. The bored girl suddenly looked very nervous about the tall muscular man talking to himself and Spider-Man dropping their equipment, so Spider-Man just grabbed Deadpool and pulled him into the main room. Peter took a deep breath and tried to settle himself. His senses were a little overloaded with the weird smells and the lighting and the man-shaped reminder of his traitorous, overly hormonal, I-need-to-get-laid-like-last-Wednesday body.

“Tell you what, since you seem nervous. How about Daddy give you a ten second head start, hmm?” 

“Uh…” Peter’s brain shorted a little at the word ‘daddy’ and he ran while half-yelling, “nope. NOpe. NOPE!” The responding dark laugh had Peter shivering in anticipation. The room was mostly decked out in styrofoam blocks painted with different scenes like space and, huh, was that the Jolly Roger? He found a nice corner of the room to hide in and stuck himself halfway up a wall.

Wade started the game wandering around whistling an old pop song Peter had never heard before and shooting around corners nowhere near Peter’s location. Peter crawled the barrier and peaked around the corner. He frowned when he couldn’t find the merc. Taking a deep breath, Peter closed his eyes and tried to filter out the noise and smells to figure out where Wade was. Suddenly his spidey senses were blaring and Peter flew up and over the barrier just as Wade came around with guns blazing, more or less.

“Nice moves, Spidey, but you have to fire back to win this game!” Wade yelled. “I know you’ve been wanting to shoot me for a long time~” 

“If you only knew,” Peter said ducking behind an over-sized barrel like object. “What’s the theme of this place anyway? Are we in Pirates of the Carribean on a spaceship?”

Suddenly his shoulder vibrated and he cursed.

“Language! We’re in a kid-friendly place!” Wade sing-songed. 

“There’s no kids in here!” He yelled back while sprinting across the room and trapezing over another wall with planets painted on it. 

“Hmm. Thanks for reminding me!” Wade's voice seem to come from all over the place. "I've always wanted to get you hot and panting in a dark room. This isn't quite how I pictured it though. The black lights would definitely pick up more stains on the floor." 

"Gross!"

Wade rounded the corner with his laser gun pointed directly at Peter's chest. Peter jumped in the air dodging the next few rounds from him and trying to get one of his own off. 

The game only grew more intense after that. At one point Wade grew frustrated with his flying target and managed to tackle Peter mid-air and landed them both in a heap. If it had been concrete, Peter would have gotten the wind knocked out him, but as it was, he managed to get a center mass shot off on Wade as he struggled out of his grip. Wade growled. Literal growl and Peter panted only partially from the exertion. 

“Lucky hit.” 

“Lucky take-down,” Peter countered and was off again. 

The score was pretty much even and the game kept amping up. Once Peter stopped thinking about his weapon as a gun and started imaging it as an over-sized web shooter, he found himself able to get a few more hits. He was doing back flips and feints and smiling so wide his face hurt. If the laughs he heard from his partner were anything to go on, Wade was having just as much fun.

With only a couple minutes on the timer, Wade managed to tackle Peter for a second time. They wrestled for a bit before Deadpool pulled Peter up and slammed him into a barrier and pinned the laser gun above his head, wrist and all. Peter’s smile at their game slipped off his face when Wade released Peter and asserted himself closer. The air got thick and it became hard to breath. 

Gloved hands reached up and tugged at the bottom of Peter’s mask and Peter swallowed hard. He helped Deadpool lift it up and was thankful for the poor lighting for hiding his blush. And then the idea that Wade might be taking his mask all the way off hit him like a bucket of cold water. “Wade, I--”

“Shh, just to here, baby boy,” Wade whispered, only taking the mask over the tip of Peter’s nose. Peter scrambled to do the same to Wade’s mask and for a moment they just hovered near each other. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to,” Wade said and it was that statement that broke Peter. That sentiment of care that Peter knew made up more of Wade than he liked to admit.

“Kiss me,” Peter breathed out. And there was that growl again, along with hands on his hips and lips crashing into his and Peter didn’t care that he whimpered, because when he did? Wade turned the kiss into something deeper and filthy and just right. There was a whole year of frustration, anger, kindness, and want behind that kiss. Peter wished he had his gloves off so he could feel the roughness of Wade’s face in his hands. The lips were soft and bumpy and they shouldn’t have been such a turn on, but he couldn’t help nip at them as their kissing slowed.

(Finally...)

{Seriously, stop stealing our lines.}

[This won’t last. DP’s gonna fuck it up.]

As they pulled apart for a breath, Peter felt like he was floating. 

That was until his chest vibrated and he looked down to see Wade’s laser gun pointed directly at him just as the timer went off.

“I win!” Deadpool shouted, pulling his mask down and doing a victory lap around the middle of the floor. 

[Told you.]

{3… 2… 1...}

“WADE!” Peter stormed over and smacked the merc across his face. He winced hearing a bone or two snap, but that only cooled his anger by like one percent.

“Uh, I’m sorry?” Deadpool cracked his neck and pulled his mask AND face straight. “No, I’m not sorry.” He waltzed over to Peter and tried to put his arm around the boy, but Peter just twisted out of his reach. And Deadpool had the gall to look hurt. 

“You can’t just--you can’t just do that!” And dammit all if Peter didn’t feel his eyes tear up. He stopped and sniffed. This. This was why Deadpool was a bad decision. For Peter, that kiss meant--it meant everything. But yeah, Peter should have seen this coming. His shoulders sagged and he fought the urge to run away as the overhead lights came on. 

(A kiss to win his dumb game. Played again, Parker.)

[Oh, no.]

{Told ya. Our dumbass doesn't even know what's wrong.}

Quietly, he went and retrieved Deadpool’s gear from the ceiling while Wade paid for their game and added a tip for any damages to the arena. Wade didn’t say or do anything until they got outside and by that time Peter had his walls in place.

“I had a lot of fun, you know?” Wade said. He looked everywhere except at Peter. “Except this awkward bit at the end. Which is my bad, I think.”

Peter huffed. He wanted to shout and maybe hit Wade some more. Suddenly the sidewalk felt too open and the other man's body was too close to his. Faster than Wade could say "tacos," he was webbing up the tallest building on the block with Deadpool yelling up to him. 

Sitting on the edge of the roof, Peter lifted his mask and ran a hand over his lips. It was one of those moments in life where he knew he’d be overthinking it for years to come. God, he felt stupid. What’s worse? He felt scared. Scared that he was going to lose Wade. He had made it pretty obvious that while it was a joke for Wade, it wasn’t a joke for him. When Deadpool realized that Peter actually had feelings, he'd probably run off to Canada or Japan or something.

Which, ridiculous right? He should still be furious for Wade tricking him like that, but he couldn’t muster the original anger he had felt. Deadpool kissing him and then shooting him was just Deadpool being Deadpool. Even if the kiss had been real, it probably would have ended the same way no matter what. Which, put when put like that, made Peter's lips twitch in a small, sad smile. He then groaned at himself. Man, the guy drove him crazy.

This time when Wade walked up on him on the roof, he actually heard him before he got close. 

“Took you long enough to get up here,” Peter said. He shoved his mask back down. “So, you won, gonna tell me about this bad guy you want dead?”

Wade plopped down next to him. Normally they sat shoulder to shoulder, but there was some distance between them now and Peter couldn't help feel a little broken up by it. 

“Bad guy?” Wade asked and he had such a genuine tone of puzzlement Peter had to bite his cheek from yelling.

“Yeah, the one you asked for the ‘unalive pass,’ which you’re still not getting by the way,” Peter pointed out.

“Oh, yeah.” Wade put a hand behind his head and rubbed it. “Um, about that.”

Peter groaned. “Please tell me you didn’t kill someone and then come to ask for forgiveness. I will have to take you to jail.”

“No! No, nothing like that! I, uh, might have told a small fib at the beginning of this fanfic,” Wade said.

Peter whipped around on him, ignoring the ‘fanfic’ bit, and scowled. “What.”

“See? There’s that wrong punctuation again, Spidey. You’re gonna have to work on your question marks.” 

Peter brought up a hand like he was going to smack Wade again and Deadpool let out an extremely un-masculine ‘eep.’ “Okay! Um, no jokes. I lied about the bad guy. Sorry. Again. God, way to fuck up everything, jerk-pool.”

“Why--why would you lie about something like that?”

“Well, what was I supposed to do? Just ask you on a date? You would have laughed and said no!” 

Peter did laugh then. A bit on the hysterical side. For much longer than he should have. 

“Uh, spidey?” Deadpool’s hand twitched as if to touch Spider-Man and then aborted the move. “You, uh, okay? Usually when someone laughs like that they’re not okay.”

“A date?! Was this a date?!” The emotional roller-coaster was going up again and the world was tilting a little wonky. Peter gripped the rooftop to keep from swaying. 

“Geez, don’t be so hard on a guy. I got feelings too.”

Peter continued to chuckle but sobered a little at Wade’s words. “Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

[...]

{Idiot!}

(Come on, you know what.)

Peter nudged his shoulder into Wade. “You know. Ask me.”

“As much as I love hearing you laugh, I’d rather not. Besides, I--what are you doing?!” Deadpool's hands covered his eyes and he peaked at Spider-Man through his fingers.

Peter had hooked his thumbs under his mask and was in the process of pulling it off. His mind screamed “bad idea!” but he didn’t pay it any attention. He felt intoxicated on bad ideas at the moment. The wind felt good on his hot skin and he pulled the mask up and over his nose. Then he closed his eyes as he brought it all the way off, shaking out his messy brown hair. When he finally got the courage to open his eyes, he smiled at the sight of Deadpool frozen and mute beside him. 

Peter cocked an eyebrow and waited. 

“Sweet baby Hulk, is that the face we kissed?” Wade finally seemed to finally shake himself out of his stupor. “I always thought your ass was amazing, but that face! Those freckles. Them eyes, baby!”

“My eyes are brown, Wade. They’re boring.” Peter relaxed and waited for the fear of exposing his secret identity to Deadpool to come. Surprisingly, it didn’t.

“No, they’re honey. They’re pools of amber and brown. They’re better than stars. I’m laying it on a little thick, aren’t I?”

“A tad.”

“Am I hallucinating? Is this the last few seconds before death? Cause if so, I want it to keep going. In fact, don’t tell me. Just let this play out. How are you so gorgeous? This is unfair, seriously.”

“Wade. Ask. Me. Or I’m putting the mask back on.”

“Baby boy, Spidey, Spider-Man--”

“Peter. Peter Parker,” Peter said. He knew he was blushing now but tried not to care. Giving Wade his name felt so intimate. Wade must have felt it too because he snapped his mouth shut.

“Peter,” Wade said his name reverently and it sent a thrill through him. “Would you like to go on a date?”

“I’d love to.”

_To be continued..._


	2. Not First Date Material

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much pure smut with a sprinkling of feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> () - Peter's thoughts  
> [] - Yellow  
> {} - White
> 
> Enjoy~

_Previously:_

_“Peter, would you like to go on a date?”_

_”I’d love to.”_

Wade let out a sharp squeal on a frequency which made Peter slap hands over his sensitive ears and his eyes crinkle from his smile. This only made Wade dance around a bit more than he would have normally (which is a lot bee tee dubs), but when he pulled out his guns for a victory salute, _Peter_ stalled his hand.

“Before you unload your clip too soon,” Peter started. Wade appropriately giggled at the double entendre from his soon-to-be mate.

[Mate?! Not that kind of fic]

{Just a couple of edits and it _could_ be.}

“Why don’t we finish the date we’re on?”

“Yes, anything. What do you want? Ice cream? Dinner? Movie? The souls of the damned? No, wait, that’s more my ex-wife’s style.” Wade held his hands together in supplication. He’d do anything spidey--no, _Peter!_ \--suggested. 

Peter smirked while blushing and Deadpool was hanging onto every mother-loving word as he said, “I was thinking we could go to your place and maybe try that kiss again.”

“I can’t die, but I think you might just kill me. And by that, I mean, yes please. Now? _Now_.” 

Peter slipped his mask back on, much to Deadpool’s dismay, and grabbed the mercenary by the waist before flinging them both off the building. Once again, he just went where Wade told him until they landed on the balcony of a fairly nice apartment. He had been to several of Wade’s safehouses and once his surprisingly badass bachelor pad, but this was new.

“This is your place, right?” Peter asked before stepping inside.. 

“One of them,” Wade replied. He tried to shrug off the obvious disbelief in spi-- _Peter’s_ expression, but it didn’t leave completely.

“Good.” Then Peter launched himself on Wade who barely had time to stagger his stance. “I want to see your face. I want to kiss you again.” 

Wade gave a nervous laugh. “You see my face and you won’t want to kiss anything for a week.”

“We’re not doing that bit.”

“What bit?”

“The bit where you are self-conscious. I want to skip to the good stuff. Now.” Peter had already stripped off his mask and was in the process of removing his gloves and top half of his suit. 

(Why are we still dressed?)

{Whoa.}

[He’s trying to kill us, for real!]

“Whoa, easy there, spider,” Wade said with his hands balancing the super-hero turned stripper on his hips. “Usually, I’m the only one breaking the fourth wall. Are you sure about this? Cause if you keep showing me more skin, I don’t know if I will be able to contain myself.”

Peter lifted Wade’s mask just high enough to reveal the bottom half of his face and began peppering him with kisses. “My safe word is ‘tacos’.”

“Mine’s ‘pork and beans,’” Wade said running on instinct. And then he groaned as Peter moved from his mouth to his neck with little licks and bites. Isn’t Peter a virgin in this series? Where did all this feist come from and how could Wade make sure it never stopped happening? 

With more than a handful of delicious Spider-Man boo-tay, he abruptly turned around and started walking down the hall.

(What in the world are you doing, Parker?)

[We don’t care! Keep doing it!]

{Yes, please!}

Both men giggled at the same time as Wade deposited Peter in the bathroom. Peter cocked an eyebrow at him. “I prefer a bed.”

“And I prefer a shower so I can get you filthy. Which leads to second showers. It’s really a masterful plan.” Wade put his hands up to his mask and hesitated. Going on a date with Peter was one thing. Taking off his mask while not eating chalupas was another altogether. Wade sighed. While he hadn’t wanted the fantasy to end, it seemed like here was a good stopping place.

Peter looked up at Wade and wrapped his arms around the bigger man’s neck. “I know I said I didn’t want to do the bit about you being self-conscious, but we don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Aren’t you the sexy poster boy for consent?” Wade cooed. He had a feeling that Peter didn’t miss the way his body trembled. Still, he was mostly the adult in this situation. “It’s cool. We’ll either make it to the bed or we’ll be dropping you off in therapy. No biggie.”

Wade took off his mask like he was ripping off a bandaid and kept his eyes glued to the floor. Really nice tile work in here, he had never noticed before. He could just make out Peter frowning in his peripherals. A strong hand closed around his chin pulling him, reluctantly, towards Peter.

“You’re not puking, so that’s a good start,” Wade joked.

“Well, I was expecting it to be a lot worse, if I’m honest,” Peter replied. “You’re crazy, you know that? You think my eyes are gorgeous? Have you seen yours?” Peter’s mouth instantly returned to Wade’s. “And that bone structure, oh my god. I want to touch every part of you.”

“You don’t have to be nice,” Wade protested. And he was being 100% sincere. He knew Shiklah had liked him for his looks, but this was a stretch of the imagination!

“Nice? Wade you’re the only one who makes me feel like this, you crazy insecure bastard. I’m not saying the scars aren’t bad, but I am saying if you don’t get me in the shower soon I’m going to rip that suit off you with my super strength and drag you to the bedroom.”

“Ungh, okay, I might have jizzed a little just now. But don’t worry, Daddy’s got more where that came from.” Wade began to shed his costume and was halfway out when he looked up and tripped over his own leggings because his brain shorted out at the sight of Peter leaning against the counter totally naked and hard with a blush that spread from his nose straight to the tip of his dick. 

That’s not legal!

[He’s hard for _us_?]

{He’s _hard_ for us!}

(I’m about two seconds away before I burst into flames. Come on, Wade.)

[Get the fuck up on that!]

Wade crawled over and Peter gasped as suddenly the merc took Peter’s entire length into his mouth in one move. “Oh god!”

(Guess that’s another way to interpret the whole “merc with a mouth” thing.)

{*slow clap*}

Wade groaned around Peter’s dick as he used his hands to push the kid’s hips back and forth, basically making Peter fuck his mouth. 

“Do you have no gag reflex?! Jesus. Oh, shit, Wade!” Peter’s hands tensed on Wade’s head and the man pulled off with a pop. 

“Not yet, baby boy,” he teased. “The next part’s my favorite.”

Wade got up and shedded the rest of his clothing before turning the faucet on hot and nudging Peter into the walk-in shower under the spray. Peter moaned as the water hit his shoulders. Oh yeah, definitely a good idea. Wade hadn’t realized how sweaty and tense he was after the laser tag.

“Laser tag was a ridiculously appropriate first date,” Peter said under the spray while possibly showing off his talent for reading minds. “What we’re doing right now... Probably not.”

“Tell me to stop and I will, baby boy,” Wade said as he stepped closer to the perfect skin laid out before him. And shit, was Peter even old enough for this? He looked young. Like _young_ young. Wade did some mental math about when Spider-Man first appeared on the scene and figured he had to at least be legal by now. Unless he had started fighting crime at like _ten_.

“I can hear you freaking out,” Peter said in front of him. Wade automatically wrapped his arms around the boy. “What’s wrong?”

The spray washed away the grime and anxiety both that had built up during the day until Wade had gotten enough courage to just _touch_. He let his hands drag slowly down Peter’s back, cupping his ass, and then he moved them around the hips. The boy took it on his own to step back into Wade and he hissed at soft, subble, un-marked skin that hit the rough texture of Wade’s erection. The merc would have been embarrassed by the noises he made if it weren’t for the little kitten moans Peter made at the contact.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Wade groaned in a delayed reply. He laid kisses down on the neck Peter had on display for him and held back from biting. The sounds coming out of Peter were pure music. 

Wade controlled the scene. He took his time mapping out Peter with his hands and then washed the boy’s body down with his soap. (Soap that Peter memorized the brand and scent of because fuck! It made him smell like Wade and he was going to invest stock in it.) 

This was more than a shower, this was worship of the body laid out on display for Wade. Every inch of skin, every mole and freckle, every imperfection burned itself into his brain. Second times were never a guarantee, so Wade made this last. 

As the water lost some of its heat and his little spidey started to tremble under his ministrations, Wade reached between them with a soap-sudden hand and grabbed both their erections. Shaky knees wobbled into his and so he placed a hand on Peter’s hip to steady him as he slowly pumped. The world had narrowed down to just this sensation. That’s when he realized Peter’s hands were tracing his body, his scarred chest and shoulders. It made his hand stutter on their cocks, but the eyes he saw looking up into his were so wide and open and full of _something_ that he found he didn’t mind the attention for once.

Then his date looked down and something he saw made him whimper. Wade immediately stopped. 

(Holy shit, he’s big...)

[*flexes*]

Peter flicked his gaze up to Wade. “Don’t stop,” he whined. 

“I told you, I’m gonna take care of you,” Wade said. 

“You never said that.”

“Oh? Well I thought it and that counts to some degree.” Wade reached around them and turned off the water. He stepped out and handed Peter a towel. A towel he immediately wanted to slice into pieces for covering up all that delicious skin and bodacious booty.

By the time Wade had all but dragged Peter into his bedroom his erection had flagged, but to his never-ending delight, Peter was still painfully hard. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Peter in between his legs.

“Well aren’t you the gift that keeps on giving…” Wade leered and watched as Peter squirmed under his gaze. “What do you want? Cause I’m not letting you get on the bed until you tell me.”

It was hard not to let his hands stray from their spot on Peter’s hips and slide up that beautiful lithe and toned body. Wade never thought he had a thing for twinks, but damn. In a few years, Peter was going to be a twunk and wouldn’t that be a sight to see.

[Getting a little ahead of yourself.]

{He’s going to be long gone by then.}

Wade growled which made Peter jump. He immediately wanted to apologize and explain the growl wasn’t for him when Peter’s reply came.

“I want you... I want you to fuck me.”

There was a blur of movement as Wade shot up, grabbed Peter, turned around and threw him on the bed. Then he was on top of him like a starving lion on a gazelle. “No.”

“Wha--?”

“No, I’m not going to _just_ fuck you,” Wade said. Peter’s hands fisted into the sheets as Wade leaned into him. His cock was back to full hardness and he dragged it up Peter’s thigh like a warning. His teeth scraped Peter’s neck and then he was whispering, “I’m going to work you open until your sobbing, then I’m going to fuck you until you can’t see or feel anything but me. I’m going to take you apart piece by piece and then put you back together. I’m going to make you feel so good, Peter, you’ll be ruined for anyone else. Do you want that, Petey-pie? Do you want Daddy to ruin you?”

Peter, who had only heard Wade get that serious a couple of times, slowly nodded his head. “Yes, I want that.” 

“What’s your safe word, baby?”

“Still tacos,” Peter smirked. He was trembling, and Wade wanted to believe it was in anticipation, but there was a clear sign of fear in those eyes. 

“Then lay back and relax.” Wade kissed Peter’s forehead before getting the lube off his nightstand. Not from his nightstand which is why he’s met with a raised eyebrow from Peter. “It’s not like I have company over!” He mumbled something about judgey spiders as he pushed Peter’s knees up and spread the boy’s legs. Then he propped Peter’s hips on a pillow and flicked open the lube. “How can you be so beautiful everywhere?” 

Peter threw a hand over his face in embarrassment. Wade let him have a moment before he started to gently draw circles around his hole with his thumb. Peter’s body tensed and then shuddered. “Oh baby, if that’s your reaction for the outside, just wait until I get inside.” He spent more time just watching Peter’s reactions before taking his other hand and slowly jerking the boy. “Tell me, do those spider powers make everything more sensitive?”

“Uh, oh god, yeah. Dialed to eleven,” Peter grunted out just as Wade slipped his thumb in and out of his hole. 

Painfully slow he switched it to a finger which Peter’s body sucked in greedily despite being really tight. Wade shifted to where he had his head near the other’s thigh and could watch both Peter’s expressions and his finger disappear. He couldn’t help press his cock into the mattress to just get some contact. Watching his spidey unravel had his full attention, not even his usual anxiety about being a fucking burnt avacado humping the bed pinged on his radar. 

A chorus of oh’s and ah’s filled the air. Peter’s entire body was hot to the touch, but what seemed the warmest was right where Wade began to push in his second heavily lubed finger and the area where Peter’s blush began to look like a sunburn. He had his digits up to the knuckle but Peter resisted. The blush had spread to his neck and chest and he squirmed.

“...uh, oh! Wade. Mmm.. did you… ah… did you just call me… a sexy tomato?”

“Shhh… It’s not polite to eavesdrop.”

Instead of telling Wade to shut up or worse, stop, Peter laughed and relaxed. Wade smiled into Peter’s thigh and slipped his fingers all the way in. His baby boy still let out mews of pleasure, but it was less tense now. Now Wade crooked his fingers and hit Peter’s prostate with the accuracy of Hawkeye and the swiftness of Quicksilver. Spider-Man let loose some very colorful language and sat halfway upright rolled into a sort of crunch. Wade bit his lip to keep from giggling in pure joy and went on the attack again. With just two fingers and three well placed hits, Peter was spilling all over his own chest. 

Wade gave him a moment to come down, his fingers still inside the boy. If he had eyebrows, he would have quirked one because Peter wasn’t flagging at all. “Holy hotdogs and hand grenades, Petey. You good to keep going?”

Peter, who was still panting, let out a chuckle. “I’m not leaving this room until you do what you promised.”

“I hear you loud and clear, buddy.” Wade moved his fingers and gave Peter a lick from his balls to the tip. Peter attempted to chase his mouth, but Wade held him down. He reached across the bed and pulled up the sheet to wipe Peter off. “You’ve got a [hella] short refractory period. How many times have you gotten off in one go?”

Peter held up a hand.

“Five?! You aren’t just the gift, you’re the entire fucking Christmas. Who did I kill to get on the _nice_ list?” Wade started moving his hand again while licking every inch of skin sporadically around him. He added another finger soon after and then pushed in his pink just because. And because Peter hadn’t protested, Wade thought of all the wonderful things he could put inside him that would make that tight hole stretch. 

Pulling out his hand wasn’t fun for either of them but Wade had to shuffle up and kiss Peter. “You ready for me, baby? Because once we start this, I can’t guarantee I’ll stop.” The body underneath him shivered in the most delicious way. 

“Please, Wade. Want you in me,” Peter panted.

(God, so close again, this is embarrassing.)

[Ungh...]

{Can he join full-time?}

Putting some of that extra-bendy superpower Spidey had to use, Wade threw one perfectly dreamy-creamy leg over his shoulder and pressed his cockhead to Peter’s hole. Even though he went above and way beyond the amount of prep it normally would need, he could still hear Peter hiss and was shocked by how tight he was around me.

“Do you have a healing factor?” Wade asked. His eyes rolled back into his head as he kept pressing in.

“How--ahhh--do you not know that?” He could tell he had Peter worked way up because he hadn’t asked the right question, which was _why_ did he ask that.

Deadpool’s totally awesome mutant factoid: If you’re topping someone with a healing factor, depending on how fast it is, sex will be about as awesome as it can be frustrating. For instance, with our amazing little friend here, Wade can prep him all he wants, but he’s got to get inside him fast or surprise! Peter’s going to be back to pre-fingered tightness. 

But also, it feels soooo gooood…

“Dear deviled eggs, I’m not going to last long,” Wade gritted out as he finally got fully seated. He could feel Peter pulsing around him, could almost feel his heartbeat where they were connected. “But I’m going to make good on my promise, baby boy. Don’t you worry.”

“Wade move, please. I need it!”

“Still can’t believe you’re real.”

“I _am_ real. Now move, please!”

“Your wish…” Wade pulled almost all the way out before slamming back in. “Is my command!”

Slow had been the plan. Slow was how Wade wanted it. But the minute he had gotten inside, Slow had decided to leave the building. Now he just focused on hitting Peter’s prostate over and over. They both were covered in sweat as he kicked up the pace and listened as Petey’s words of encouragement turned into intelligible noises. The second time Pete came it caught both of them off guard and Wade had to steady himself to keep from emptying then. 

“I want one more,” Wade said. Again he waited for the oversensitivity to stop before moving again. “I need one more, Petey. You can do it for me, right baby boy?”

Peter whimpered and nodded his head yes.

“Good, that’s good.” Letting Peter’s leg fall from it’s place on Wade’s shoulder, Wade dropped down to meet Peter’s mouth with messy kisses while slowly pumping his hips. He could feel Peter’s dick stir where it was trapped between their bodies and he smiled. “This reminds of that time we were webbed together, remember? I have to admit, that was NOT a banana in my pocket. Nor was it my gun.”

“Uh.. I remember. I was hard, too.”

Wade’s movements stuttered for a second. “Bullshit!”

“Nope, true. I just wear a cup.”

“Cheater.” Wade gasped. Then he started to speed up his movements. His poor spider looked already too spent but he wasn’t going to give up on that third one unless Peter said to. He cradled the other’s head between his forearms and worked his hips slowly. At this close, Peter finally was able to get his hands on Wade. Long fingers traced up and down the merc’s back and then his shoulders and biceps. Their kisses became slightly sloppy and when the next thrust had them pushed solidly together, Deadpool flipped them over so Peter was on top. 

The change of angle made Petey groan as he sat up. He looked beautiful, all youth and pale skin, slick with sweat and his own cum. And then Wade’s baby boy gave a couple test bounces where he sat. 

“Oh, fuck, Peter.” Welp, this was a fun run while it lasted. In this position, it was only going to be a matter of minutes before Wade spilled into Peter. Wade decided to grab those thighs and take back control. 

He set the hardest, fastest pace he could from this position and when the awkward rhythm between them finally fixed itself he let go of one thigh and wrapped his hand around Peter’s cock. “I’m going to get that third time, baby boy.”

In time with his thrusts, Wade growled and roughly stroked Peter. He was hit with a wave of possessiveness in that moment uncharacteristic of him. “ _Mine_.”

“Ah… yess! Yours, Wade! Always yours!” 

“Fucking shitballs, I need you to cum for me, baby. Come on, you can do that for Daddy, right?” Wade desperately ran his thumb over the tip of Peter’s cock. He could feel his own release coming any second. 

“Wade!” Peter cried out as his cock twitched. Only a little dribbled out in Wade’s hand this time, but it was still the hottest thing he had ever seen. Peter suddenly slouched over him in exhaustion. He whispered in Wade’s ear, “Please, fill me up, _daddy_.”

The edges of Wade’s world when white and when everything cleared up he could still feel himself pumping into Peter. He wrapped his arms around the perfect man on top of him and just took a second to breath. This was the quietest it had ever been between the two of them. Hell, this was the quietest the voices had ever been for Wade. He was going to enjoy it.

After the high started to subside, Peter pulled up and off Wade’s soft dick and tumbled to his side. 

“We shouldn’t have done that…” Peter said into Wade’s shoulder. 

And there was the regret, great.

[Ugh, he couldn’t have just ghosted?]

{He’s the worst, kill him.}

The kid looked up at him with shining eyes and a mischievous smile. “There’s no way our next date will top it.”

Peter sat up and leaned over Wade. “Thank you,” he said, before kissing the antihero. “For asking me out.”

“Would you, maybe, like to do it again sometime?” Wade asked. 

“I’d love to.”

_A half hour and much needed second shower later…_

“Peter…” Wade started. He had gone completely stiff and Peter looked up at him worriedly.

“Yeah?”

“What’s your middle name?”

“Benjamin, why?”

Wade gasped and pulled away from the kid to get a good look at him. “YOU,” he said with his finger poked directly into Peter’s chest. “You’re PBP! You’re Peanut Butter Prick!”

It took Peter a moment to realize what Wade was going on about. “Oh, the pinball machine. Yeah.” Then he had to use his super strength to keep the hero in bed. “You can _try_ and beat my score later, idiot boyfriend of mine.”

“Boyfriend?” Wade stopped his struggles.

“Yeah, and idiot, don’t forget that.”


End file.
